Adventures In Bad Parenting

He has questions. So many, you guys.

2010-11-17T09:02:00.000-08:00

Intro: Connor is riding in the car with Mom. Connor is the kind of kid who has to know EVERYTHING. He can not be put off with 'nevermind' or 'Don't worry about it". God help you if he thinks you're keeping something from him. It's best to just answer him honestly and carefully or he really will never fucking drop it. Never, ever.

Car, interior, afternoon.

Connor: What's wrong mom? You look mad.

Mom: Oh, no, honey. I'm just hurting a little

Connor: Why?

Mom: I went to the doctor today and they did some tests & it hurt a little
bit,dont worry about it.

Connor: WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU MOM??

Mom: Connor, really, it's grown up stuff. No big deal, I'm fine.

Connor: MOOOM! WHAT. DID. THEY. DO. TO. YOU???

Mom: Sigh. Okay it was..they just...did a test on my...ladyparts, okay? I really dont' want to discuss it

Connor: They did tests on your burrgina?

Mom: *Gritting teeth* Yes, son.

Connor: WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOUR BURRGINA MOM??

Mom: Connor, really...

Connor: WHAT DID THEY DO MOM???

Mom: They just...took a piece out and they're testing it, okay? CHRIST!

Connor: THEY TOOK OUT YOUR BURRGINA???

Mom: NO, baby, just a little piece. can we stop this now? You're kind of getting Jack Bauer on me

Connor: *silence*

Connor: .....Mom?

Mom: WHAT??

Connor: Let's just keep this whole thing a secret, okay?

Mom: Good idea, son, wish I had thought of it.

SCENE.

The Playstation Had Ears

2010-02-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

Scene: Living room, early evening. Chris & Lisa chat while Connor
plays Playstation, oblivious

Chris: So...hysterectomy,huh?

Lisa: Yep.

Chris: That's where they take out your...uh, uterus right?

Lisa: Yes, Chris

Chris:- What about the...uh, the...o-rings?

Lisa: The OVARIES, you dolt?

Chris: Right, the O-rings.

Lisa: Just shut up.

Chris: But you'll still have a buhgina, right? It's just removing the o-rings from the buhgina itself, correct?

Lisa: You are zero amount of funny.

Connor (shrieking from oblivion): Mommy, YOU'RE HAVING SURGERY ON YOUR BUHGINA???

Lisa: (frozen)

Connor: What's a buhgina anyway?

Chris: (flees, laughing maniacally, forgetting he has to fall asleep in this house at some point

End scene.

Cracking The Code.

2009-10-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

I finally figured out what Wes means when he tells me (every SINGLE day, mind you) that school was "okay".

okay = "They talked, I half listened. That chick in Math is still, like, RAGINGLY hot but she's in love with the football player douche who is so obviously a future frat boy rapist idiot it's not even funny and the sad part is? I think the fact that she's that dumb is what's making her attractive to me and I don't like what that says about me, for realz. Also I think that one chick was checking me out in PE but she has a lazy eye and might have been looking at the snack machine but whatever. Oh, there was some bullshit about project due Monday and 70% of my grade & blah, blah, blah. Christ I hope there's Cheezits left, I could murder a bowl of Cheezits."

Knowledge is power.

Oh, also? When Connor says school was "fine"

Fine= "There were boogers. Some were mine. huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh"

How NOT To Drop Off Your 12 Year Old Boy @ School

2009-10-13T05:12:00.000-07:00

I told Wes just before he got out of the car, I would pick him up next door at Beautiful Blooms, the nursery. It was probably, almost completely, unnecessary of me to yell "YOU'RE MY BEAUTIFUL BLOOM, BABY!!" at him through the open door while a whole BUNCH of kids stood around watching. On the upside, this could get him a lifelong nickname. "Here comes Blooms!"

Remember, if they laugh at you they aren't your friends anyway.

All The Kids Are Gonna Want One

2009-09-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

Connor is a Halloween constume connosieur. He will start planning his costume on Nov. 1. He'll also study the effort to gain ratio vis a vis walking and candy intake. Our neighborhood has not been tradtionally kid friendly. Lots of retirees who couldn't give a shit and GET OFF MY LAWN types. During the year, he'll even assess the potential of new neighbors to come across come H-night.

Couple w/ 2 kids = high. They gots candy, like, built in. Amirite?

'Necks up the street who moved into their dead MeeMaw's house = Extreme *

*Potentially age inappropriate. The first thing they did upon moving in was put 4foot gargoyle statues flanking the drive. Connor is in it for the candy, he's not down with the scary.

Old lady with the Jesus fish on her car = low. Bible tracts, WTF?

For this year, he's decided on GI Joe, specifically Snake Eyes. (that's a thing, right? Snake Eyes?)

His nagging (which had started in September, mind you) had advanced to unacceptable levels (oh my God, will you SHUTUPABOUTITJESUSCHRISTYOU'REKILLINGME
WHERE'SMYF**KINGKLONOPIN? style nagging) by mid September.

Finally things came to a head one Sunday morning when Chris & I were trying to have GrownUp Paper Reading Time, Go Away and he came to tell me YET. AGAIN. that the catalogue with *his* costume was in the bathroom and his teacher told him it was "almost Halloween". I told him if he asked me even ONE. MORE. TIME. he wasn't getting any costume and instead was going to go trick or treating as The Kid Who Just Got His Ass Beat.

Also, relax, we got the damn thing. We actually got a coupon in the Sunday paper.

Net -15

2009-09-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

My niece told me she bought a shirt with 3 birds on a branch that said "Menage-a-trois". She thought Menage had something to do with Tennessee Williams ("like,you know, the, umn, Glass Menagerie? Or whatever?") and it had to be explained to her. I would've paid cold cash money to see the expression on faces at the private Christian school she attends when she walked in wearing THAT. She gets +5 points for knowing about Tennessee Williams, -20 for being a dumbass. There will be no bell curve.

Wesley's Rejection Letter

2009-09-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

(from 4/12/09)
Happy Easter!

Connor got a giant basket of cheap, lead based toys from China! Plus some "fun size" packages of candy with about 3 pieces each that were fresh sometime back when "Charles in Charge" was a first-run program!

Wesley, however, got the following form letter from the Easter Bunny.

Dear Master N_,
As you may be aware, our contract with you expired on your 12th birthday. We have
enjoyed our relationship and wish you continued success in your future endeavors. We
regret any inconvenience this may cause you, please accept the enclosed gift certificate as a token of our esteem.

Sincerely, E.P. Bunny
Easter P. Bunny, CEO
Easter Bunny Productions
“We get it hoppin’”

It's sad when it happens to someone you know.

It's Not Little Debbie's Fault, You Heartless Bastard

2009-09-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

(from 1/19/09)
Chris's grandmother passed away Sunday morning and while we're sad she's not here, she was in really bad health and is, I'm sure, much relieved to be done with it all.

The boys got to see her & spend some happy time together at Christmas.

So there was that.

We gave her some Tupperwares full of junk food. She loved her Little Debbies and such and that's not something a nursing home keeps on hand, with their balanced, low salt meals and other elder abusive crap.

Unfortunately she got too ill to enjoy it and never even opened the boxes they were in. After she passed my mother-in-law, Shirley, gave it back to us so it wouldn't go to waste.

Wesley, a snack cake enthusiast, won't even go near them. He says "it's kind of weird" and " it's dead people food" and he won't touch them. This child has never met a preservative he didn't like and named his favorite cat Fancy Cake after a type of Little Debbie.

Today at lunch he..left..his...dessert...uneaten. Something that has never happened in recorded history. No explanation will change his mind. The kid is cannot be reasoned with and has left an entire box of perfectly good garbage food to their fates (i.e., Connor & the dog).I wash my hands of the situation.

Our Bodies, Ourselves

2009-09-21T07:02:00.000-07:00

The follwing conversation actually occured. No names have been changed because no one is innocent.

Wes: *hiccup*

Wes: *hiccup*

Me: You know, there are people who've had hiccups for years.

Wes: No there *hiccup* aren't. You're just *hiccup* messing with me *hiccup*.

Me: No, I'm not, Google it. One guy had them for more than 50 years, I think

Wes: clack, clack *hiccup*, clackity, clack clack "OH MY GOD, 68 YEARS??!?

Me: See?

Wes: What would you do *hiccup* if you had a kid that had hiccuped *hiccup* for years, mom?

Me: Sell tickets.

Wes: You are just the wo*hiccup*rst kind of person

Me: SEE THE HICCUPING FREAK, ONE DOLLLAH!

Wes: You suck. *hiccup*

Me: Okay, everybody that wants a crap sandwich for dinner hiccup right now!

Wes: ...glare...*hiccup*

Me: bwaahahahaha! Okay, everybody who wants to make out with the guy from X Files, hiccup right now!

Wes: ...glare..*hiccup*.

Me: bwahahahahaha. *clapping* Yay, I found a new activity!

Wes: everybody who *hiccup* thinks Mom is a pain in the ass hiccup now *hiccup*

Me: ~blank stare~ Go to your room, son.

On Lameness

2009-09-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

(from 10/3/08)

I asked Connor yesterday how his day went as he came in the door.“We had vision screening” he said, tossing his backpack on the table“It was lame”

Should he, at 6, even be aware of the existence of lame? Much less able to make decisions regarding what does or does not exist in it?

Advanced in the ways of the smart ass, is that one.

Also , Wesley has to design a city park for a math assignment and Chris & I are literally having to restrain ourselves from helping him. Not because he needs it, because it sounds like SO MUCH FUN.

It involves graph paper & posterboard and persuasive letters & a design storyboard and I’m wondering if Jamie would let us borrow her drafting tools and…We are lame

How's That Working For Ya?

2009-09-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

Connor has periods of mild to moderate screaming crazy. Times where he absolutely will. not. listen- to mom, to dad, or to reason. For those special times we have an ace in the hole, a trump card or some other card playing analogy for when you just want it over already. That would be Dr. Phil.

Years ago, Connor & I were at home watching Dr. Phil. The topic that day was Out Of Control Kids, complete with video of a small boy howling, banshee style. Connor was transfixed, he looked at me & without the slightest bit of self realization said "That kid is BAD". Seizing the teachable moment I told him he acted the same way sometimes and how would he like me to invite the Dr. Phil show to come vidoetape him during one of his freak outs. This was not acceptable to Connor.

I'm not sure whether or not it was thinking of people watching him & judging him or just deep resentment of being exploited for ratings, he never really said.

Maybe Dr. Phil just scares the cheesy old shit out of him.

From then on whenever he starts to get out of control, when the center becomes wobbly, we will ask him "Do you want me to call Dr. Phil?" "Do you?". The result is always the same "Noooooo!" and a run to the couch or other place of safety and immediate adoption of Good Boy Posture.

Full disclosure; during one pre bedtime negotiation/freakout, Chris MAY have pretended to call Dr. Phil from his cell phone and then ALLEGEDLY gone to the front door, knocked on it & yelled "WHERE IS THAT BOY?".

Allegedly.

Don't you judge me.

Night & Day

2009-09-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

(from 1/7/08)
My oldest son, Wesley, is the smart one. He is quiet, laid back and extremely curious. He'll seize on an idea and have to know EVERYthing about it, to the point where everyone around him is rolling their eyes and wanting him to shut UP already.

Connor is the sporty one. He's brave, imaginative and extremely competitive. He throws himself into things and doesn't spare a thought for consequences.

Today we got a call telling us Wesley was accepted into the International Baccalaureate middle years program. It's a prestigous magent program for kids with high IQ's who have demonstrated advanced critical thinking skills.

Connor, on the other hand, got in trouble for starting (and winning) a burping contest in the cafeteria.

I can safely say, with only trace elements of sarcasm, that I am very proud of them both. The world can never have too many smart, thoughtful people and a well timed burp? Well, shit, that's priceless.

Compassionate Release.

2009-09-21T06:54:00.000-07:00

There was a goldfish named SpongeBob who lived at Wal-Mart. Spongebob was an old fish. He was living in a big tank full of other, younger, cuter fish. He had no one to care about him and he had to fight all the other goldfish for food. Every day SpongeBob saw the other, younger, cuter fish get bought and everyday Spongebob thought to himself 'No one will ever buy me, I'm not young and I'm not very cute'. All he wanted was to make somebody happy, he knew he could if someone would just give him a chance.

He was very lonely.

One day a little boy named Connor came to Wal-Mart with his parents and brother wanting to buy goldfish for his birthday. SpongeBob was thrilled when the little boy picked him to take home! He was so happy, he didn't know what to do. Not only did SpongeBob get to go home with Connor, his friend Patrick came too. SpongeBob had gotten exactly what he'd wished for.

At home, Connor put his two goldfish in a sparkly, new tank with pretty plants to play in and colorful gravel along the bottom. Every day, Connor's mom fed Patrick & SpongeBob and talked in a happy voice to them. They played on and around the plants in the tank and searched the gravel for treasure. They were the happiest fish in the world.

One day, SpongeBob didn't feel much like swimming around. He thought he'd just stay on the bottom, in the gravel, where it was comfortable and where he felt safe. SpongeBob knew he was coming to the end of his time in the tank. He wasn't sad. He had spent the happiest days of his life in his tank with his friend Patrick, all thanks to his boy Connor. SpongeBob only hoped Connor wouldn't be too sad when it when it was time to leave the tank.

The morning came when it was time for SpongeBob to go. He said goodbye to Patrick and Connor, who was still sleeping, and lay down in the corner of the tank to wait.

Later that morning Connor's dad took SpongeBob to the river, where all good goldfish go, and set him free. Spongebob had fulfilled his lifelong dream of making somebody happy and it was all thanks to the little boy who took a chance on an old, not cute, goldfish.

Translation: We got a bum goldfish from WalMart. He only lived a week. We flushed him.

The Summer Handbook

2009-09-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

(from 6/13/08)

I am stuck in the house with 3 cats, 2 kids, 1 husband & 1 dog for the duration of summer vacation. Things get hairy. Fast. Here is a handy guide to what mom says versus what mom means.

Okay, honey. = I swear to God if you say that one more time I will super glue your lips shut

Not right now = I'm gonna hold off on that and hope you forget

Maybe later = never, ever, ever

Are you hungry? = You better get your asses down here 'cause I have a 15 minute window for fixing lunch today and if you miss it? It's a loooong time til dinner, buckaroos

Do you guys want hot dogs for lunch? = Upton Sinclair doesn't live here, you're having hot dogs for luch. Deal.

What's the problem? = Shut up, shut up, shut up

Why don't you guys go upstairs? = Murder imminent

What's your dad doing? = Cause I have reached my daily allowance of parental responsibility and it's his turn. Otherwise I'm going to start passing out matches for you to play with

Go ask your father = The level of my disinterest cannot be measured with the tools currenty available.

It's time for baths= you guys smell like feet. Corpse feet. Plus I cant remember how long its been since you were in water that wasn't chlorinated

Guys? Keep it down = if I miss the part where Maury tells the 4th guy tested he's not the father there WILL be beatings

Hope it helps. Enjoy your summer!

Why Don't You Have A Seat Over There

2009-09-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

(from 6/23/08)

So the phone rings yesterday, early afternoon. I checked the caller ID- it was a man's name that I didn't recognize. I figured it was a wrong number & answered it. I'm a good citizen. So this deep adult male voice says "Can I speak to Wesley".

(insert record scratch noise)

HOLD UP!

I didn't say anything because I'm gathering steam to produce Frightenting Parent Voice when he says "This is Mr. James". Oh, pheeeeewww. It's his teacher! I hand the phone to Wes, who promptly hits the wrong button & hangs up. He apparently has never seen the phone in his life and can't puzzle out the complexities required in putting it to your ear & talking.

I made him call Mr. James back & apologize for being such a doofus. Turns out Mr. James & his co-teacher Ms. Thompson are giving 5 dollars to every kid in his class who passed the FCAT (state standardized test) and were arranging to meet up in a local park. Apparently Mr. James is retired from a city planning job in New York and has many, many dollars to spare.

Poor Wes; hanging on a Sunday, listening to his iPod and a TEACHER calls..his HOUSE..to talk to HIM. He walked around like he'd been tased the rest of the day.

He was so traumatized we couldn't get any info out of him. There was "some deal" at Victory Park (which, eeeew) at "maybe 10ish or something I. Dont. Know" and "you're not going to leave me there are you? God."

Turns out they are having a cookout for the kids from 10:30 to 12:30 and when Chris dropped him off, there were squirt guns.We? Are the kind of parents who will NOT leave our kids in a city park unarmed so Chris went to Walgreens & got him a Water Rocket Launcher with Nuclear Option thing.

It's all about arming your kids with the tools to succeed in the real world. Also, don't bring a squirt gun to a Super Soaker fight, people.

At 11 pm, You're A Whore. True Facts.

2009-09-21T06:39:00.000-07:00

(from 6/23/08)
Wesley got home from his Washington trip around 7:00 pm on a Friday. By 9:30 pm- he was out for the count. We had surprised him with his own room, he had been sharing with his brother since we moved into this house in 2004.

At 10:50 pm I hear the James Bond theme. The voices in my head were pretty adamant that they weren't responsible. It hit me that Wes's ring tone was the James Bond theme and his phone was probably ringing.

We got him a cheap pre-paid cell expressly for the trip to Washington, I wanted to be able to talk to him whenever & vice versa. I didn't think he would take to it like he did but he's pretty sure he's a bad ass with that cell phone in his pocket.

I went and found his phone & hit Ignore so it wouldn't wake him. I also took note of the fact that I didn't recognize the incoming number. Wrong number? Maybe, but then the tone that signals voice mail went off.

Hmm, says I, voice mail? Ususally wrong numbers don't leave messages once they hear the wrong voice on the voice mail. So, being a cautious (read: nosy as hell) person, I listened to the voice mail.

Reminder: He's 11. E. Leven. and should have exactly 0 expectations of privacy from me.

The message is from some girl. ?!. who sounds 12 going on 30 and is as follows"Hi Wes, it's Kate. I got your text, call me back at this number"

*dies*

Ex. Cuse. Me?

Now it turns out I know this girl's parents and they are really good people. She's a nice girl, not prissy, very friendly with everyone. A good girl.

NOT AT 11:00 AT NIGHT, SHE'S NOT.

For the parent of a boy, 11:00 at night = WHORE.

I (allegedly) checked his outgoing texts to find out they'd been deleted. ORLY? and there were other girls numbers on his cell phone from his trip to D.C.

The next morning when Wes rolled out of bed, I casually questioned him about it. You know, confidentally so as not to embarrass him. Just kidding, I actually wore his ass out about it in front of his entire family and a few random strangers at our garage sale that morning.

He insists she's "just a friend. God." and he denied sending her a text. Of course he said it as he was frantically fiddling with his phone, muting it in case it rang again.

I. am. not. ready. I did not authorize any kind of puberty time situation. Also? his cell phone ,literally and with no help from me, died.

From shame, probably.

Angelina WISHES she was me.

2009-09-21T06:37:00.000-07:00

Do you think Angelina Jolie ever spends Tuesday afternoon arguing with one of her kids about whether or not Jedi are allowed to show their nipples*?

How about scraping dog shit out of their sneakers with a bamboo kebob stick?

No? Just me then.

* The discussion arose when Connor came downstairs in a Harry Potter costume robe, no shirt, Batman underwear & last years clone trooper mask- yelling 'I'm a Jediiiiii! Diiieeeee!'. I told him I was almost positive the Jedi were forbidden to show their nipples in public. I stand by that statement.

Wisdom From A Father To His Son

2009-09-21T06:35:00.000-07:00

On the topic of developing good grooming habits with the onset of puberty"Clean your chassis cause you smell like Lassie"- P.C.N.

Oh, Misery

2009-09-21T06:31:00.000-07:00

(from 8/4/08)

I stayed up til the wee smalls last night re (re-re-re-re etc...point belabored, move on)reading Misery by Stephen King.

It occured to me this morning that I'm really, at this particular time, indentifying with someone who's TRAPPED in the HOUSE by an INSANE person (or, in my case, PERSONS) and FORCED to PERFORM tasks for their cockadoodie AMUSEMENT.

I'm just saying.

In good news, pre-planning starts next Monday. Or, to continue the parallel, that's when the deputy finds my car in the spring runoff & comes to investigate.I shouldn't complain...they're my number one fans.

Ye Olde Timey Christmas

2009-09-21T06:20:00.000-07:00

from Dec. 07

So the kids are out for Christmas break.

We've been making crafts, gathering pine cones, baking up a mess o' cookies and decorating them ourselves using natural, organic ingredients.

We've sung carols for the unfortunate and donated all our Christmas presents to the needy...

nah, we're sitting around in our jammies watching Maury & cheesy Christmas movies.

Merry Christmas! Shitters are full!

The Screenplay

2009-09-21T06:17:00.000-07:00

SCENE:Exterior school, early morning.
A boy , Wesley, exits the car wrestling with his rolling backpack & Spider-Man lunch box.

Mom rolls down the window

Mom: ( shouts) Wesley!....Wes!

Wes: oblivious- continues walking.

Mom: (car still rolling) WES! LEY!

Wes: comical look of surprise

Mom: Where's your sash?
Wes: Eyes wide in confusion, has clearly never heard the word sash before in his life and cannot associate it with any inanimate object connected to him

Mom: (still rolling) YOUR SASH? WES?

Wes: …….
Mom: (still rolling & shouting) YOUR! PATROL! BELT!,

Mom: (mutters under her breath) Goddamn doofus

Wes: eyes widen in dawning realization

Mom: DID YOU FORGET IT??

Wes: nods

Mom: YOU'RE GOING TO GET A DEMERIT, SON!

Wes: Eyes wide, chin trembling

Mom: (shrugs) YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO USE A SPARE ONE. SORRY

Mom drives off feeling guilty- but not quite enough to go home, get his patrol belt & bring it back up to him. Lumps are being taken, consequences are resulting from actions.

END SCENE

Women Be Different From Men

2009-09-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

I ran out of t.p. this morning, so I go to the stairs & yell down to Wes "Honey, throw me some toilet paper! Hurry! I have to pee" to which he asks me "Why do you need toilet paper if you're just peeing?"

Now at this point I could've

a) taken the time to (generally) explain the female anatomy and the difference between urinating standing up v. sitting down or

b) tell him to go ask his father.

Three guesses which one I chose- keeping in mind it's my freaking day off too & I just dont. have. the. strength.So, I'm in the bathroom and I hear my college educated husband yell "You guys need toilet paper when you pee? For real?"

For reals, ya'll.

Candy is bad...mmmkay

2009-09-21T06:13:00.000-07:00

Connor comes to me with his book of Life Savers (which I'm pretty sure you're federally required to get for Christmas when you're a kid) and asks me to open it for him. I didn't mind him having a roll but didn't want him to go nuts and have to peel him off the ceiling.

This is your brain on Butter Rum Life Savers. Any questions?

I carefully explain to Connor the drawbacks of eating a lot of candy at once. One of those drawbacks being constipation. I told him his poop would back up & his stomach would hurt & when he finally was able to go to the bathroom, well.. let's just say the words "doody brick" were used.

Connor gets this horrified look on his face and starts backing away from me yelling "I DON'T WANT IT!". He's completely freaked out, he wont go NEAR the Life Savers now, he won't even let his brother eat any. We had to dispose of all the Life Savers in the house like they were hazardous material.

Also, just to put a fine point on it, everything he's eaten tonight he clears it with the Digestability Review Board (me) first. 'Will this come out in my poo?' 'Will THIS?' etc...So I've scarred him for life. It had to happen sometime & there's worse things to have a life long aversion to. Plus it gives me an idea for a birthday present. Do they make Hazmat suits in 5T?

The Wiki Entry

2009-09-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

6 seconds: The time it takes to go from a deep sleep to processing the words "Mommy, I threw up*" and how that relates to you.

*"Mommy, I threw up" does NOT mean 'Mommy I woke up feeling very nauseous and I have vomited into the toilet and now I need comforting and maybe some Emetrol'. It means 'Mommy there is a debris field of chunks extending from my bed to the door and I didn't even LEAN TOWARD the bathroom and it smells like mint french fries'.

30 seconds: The amount of time spent contemplating throttling your child when you ask him 'Honey, did you eat anything weird today?' and he answers 'You mean yesterday. It's after midnight'.

1 minute 30 seconds: The amount of time it takes to get downstairs, throw the offending laundry in the machine, grab the Carpet Fresh & the room spray & get back upstairs

7 minutes: Total duration of post-midnight puke trauma

1 hour, 23 minutes: The time spent trying to get back to sleep and convincing your stomach to NOT. EVEN. START

0 seconds: The amount of time it takes the puker to get back to sleep in the mint french fry/Carpet Fresh/room spray funk