Scene: Living room, early evening. Chris & Lisa chat while Connor
plays Playstation, oblivious
Chris: So...hysterectomy,huh?
Lisa: Yep.
Chris: That's where they take out your...uh, uterus right?
Lisa: Yes, Chris
Chris:- What about the...uh, the...o-rings?
Lisa: The OVARIES, you dolt?
Chris: Right, the O-rings.
Lisa: Just shut up.
Chris: But you'll still have a buhgina, right? It's just removing the o-rings from the buhgina itself, correct?
Lisa: You are zero amount of funny.
Connor (shrieking from oblivion): Mommy, YOU'RE HAVING SURGERY ON YOUR BUHGINA???
Lisa: (frozen)
Connor: What's a buhgina anyway?
Chris: (flees, laughing maniacally, forgetting he has to fall asleep in this house at some point
End scene.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Friday, October 23, 2009
Cracking The Code.
I finally figured out what Wes means when he tells me (every SINGLE day, mind you) that school was "okay".
okay = "They talked, I half listened. That chick in Math is still, like, RAGINGLY hot but she's in love with the football player douche who is so obviously a future frat boy rapist idiot it's not even funny and the sad part is? I think the fact that she's that dumb is what's making her attractive to me and I don't like what that says about me, for realz. Also I think that one chick was checking me out in PE but she has a lazy eye and might have been looking at the snack machine but whatever. Oh, there was some bullshit about project due Monday and 70% of my grade & blah, blah, blah. Christ I hope there's Cheezits left, I could murder a bowl of Cheezits."
Knowledge is power.
Oh, also? When Connor says school was "fine"
Fine= "There were boogers. Some were mine. huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh"
okay = "They talked, I half listened. That chick in Math is still, like, RAGINGLY hot but she's in love with the football player douche who is so obviously a future frat boy rapist idiot it's not even funny and the sad part is? I think the fact that she's that dumb is what's making her attractive to me and I don't like what that says about me, for realz. Also I think that one chick was checking me out in PE but she has a lazy eye and might have been looking at the snack machine but whatever. Oh, there was some bullshit about project due Monday and 70% of my grade & blah, blah, blah. Christ I hope there's Cheezits left, I could murder a bowl of Cheezits."
Knowledge is power.
Oh, also? When Connor says school was "fine"
Fine= "There were boogers. Some were mine. huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh"
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
How NOT To Drop Off Your 12 Year Old Boy @ School
I told Wes just before he got out of the car, I would pick him up next door at Beautiful Blooms, the nursery. It was probably, almost completely, unnecessary of me to yell "YOU'RE MY BEAUTIFUL BLOOM, BABY!!" at him through the open door while a whole BUNCH of kids stood around watching. On the upside, this could get him a lifelong nickname. "Here comes Blooms!"
Remember, if they laugh at you they aren't your friends anyway.
Remember, if they laugh at you they aren't your friends anyway.
Monday, September 28, 2009
All The Kids Are Gonna Want One
Connor is a Halloween constume connosieur. He will start planning his costume on Nov. 1. He'll also study the effort to gain ratio vis a vis walking and candy intake. Our neighborhood has not been tradtionally kid friendly. Lots of retirees who couldn't give a shit and GET OFF MY LAWN types. During the year, he'll even assess the potential of new neighbors to come across come H-night.
Couple w/ 2 kids = high. They gots candy, like, built in. Amirite?
'Necks up the street who moved into their dead MeeMaw's house = Extreme *
*Potentially age inappropriate. The first thing they did upon moving in was put 4foot gargoyle statues flanking the drive. Connor is in it for the candy, he's not down with the scary.
Old lady with the Jesus fish on her car = low. Bible tracts, WTF?
For this year, he's decided on GI Joe, specifically Snake Eyes. (that's a thing, right? Snake Eyes?)
His nagging (which had started in September, mind you) had advanced to unacceptable levels (oh my God, will you SHUTUPABOUTITJESUSCHRISTYOU'REKILLINGME
WHERE'SMYF**KINGKLONOPIN? style nagging) by mid September.
Finally things came to a head one Sunday morning when Chris & I were trying to have GrownUp Paper Reading Time, Go Away and he came to tell me YET. AGAIN. that the catalogue with *his* costume was in the bathroom and his teacher told him it was "almost Halloween". I told him if he asked me even ONE. MORE. TIME. he wasn't getting any costume and instead was going to go trick or treating as The Kid Who Just Got His Ass Beat.
Also, relax, we got the damn thing. We actually got a coupon in the Sunday paper.
Couple w/ 2 kids = high. They gots candy, like, built in. Amirite?
'Necks up the street who moved into their dead MeeMaw's house = Extreme *
*Potentially age inappropriate. The first thing they did upon moving in was put 4foot gargoyle statues flanking the drive. Connor is in it for the candy, he's not down with the scary.
Old lady with the Jesus fish on her car = low. Bible tracts, WTF?
For this year, he's decided on GI Joe, specifically Snake Eyes. (that's a thing, right? Snake Eyes?)
His nagging (which had started in September, mind you) had advanced to unacceptable levels (oh my God, will you SHUTUPABOUTITJESUSCHRISTYOU'REKILLINGME
WHERE'SMYF**KINGKLONOPIN? style nagging) by mid September.
Finally things came to a head one Sunday morning when Chris & I were trying to have GrownUp Paper Reading Time, Go Away and he came to tell me YET. AGAIN. that the catalogue with *his* costume was in the bathroom and his teacher told him it was "almost Halloween". I told him if he asked me even ONE. MORE. TIME. he wasn't getting any costume and instead was going to go trick or treating as The Kid Who Just Got His Ass Beat.
Also, relax, we got the damn thing. We actually got a coupon in the Sunday paper.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Net -15
My niece told me she bought a shirt with 3 birds on a branch that said "Menage-a-trois". She thought Menage had something to do with Tennessee Williams ("like,you know, the, umn, Glass Menagerie? Or whatever?") and it had to be explained to her. I would've paid cold cash money to see the expression on faces at the private Christian school she attends when she walked in wearing THAT. She gets +5 points for knowing about Tennessee Williams, -20 for being a dumbass. There will be no bell curve.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wesley's Rejection Letter
(from 4/12/09)
Happy Easter!
Connor got a giant basket of cheap, lead based toys from China! Plus some "fun size" packages of candy with about 3 pieces each that were fresh sometime back when "Charles in Charge" was a first-run program!
Wesley, however, got the following form letter from the Easter Bunny.
Dear Master N_,
As you may be aware, our contract with you expired on your 12th birthday. We have
enjoyed our relationship and wish you continued success in your future endeavors. We
regret any inconvenience this may cause you, please accept the enclosed gift certificate as a token of our esteem.
Sincerely, E.P. Bunny
Easter P. Bunny, CEO
Easter Bunny Productions
“We get it hoppin’”
It's sad when it happens to someone you know.
Happy Easter!
Connor got a giant basket of cheap, lead based toys from China! Plus some "fun size" packages of candy with about 3 pieces each that were fresh sometime back when "Charles in Charge" was a first-run program!
Wesley, however, got the following form letter from the Easter Bunny.
Dear Master N_,
As you may be aware, our contract with you expired on your 12th birthday. We have
enjoyed our relationship and wish you continued success in your future endeavors. We
regret any inconvenience this may cause you, please accept the enclosed gift certificate as a token of our esteem.
Sincerely, E.P. Bunny
Easter P. Bunny, CEO
Easter Bunny Productions
“We get it hoppin’”
It's sad when it happens to someone you know.
It's Not Little Debbie's Fault, You Heartless Bastard
(from 1/19/09)
Chris's grandmother passed away Sunday morning and while we're sad she's not here, she was in really bad health and is, I'm sure, much relieved to be done with it all.
The boys got to see her & spend some happy time together at Christmas.
So there was that.
We gave her some Tupperwares full of junk food. She loved her Little Debbies and such and that's not something a nursing home keeps on hand, with their balanced, low salt meals and other elder abusive crap.
Unfortunately she got too ill to enjoy it and never even opened the boxes they were in. After she passed my mother-in-law, Shirley, gave it back to us so it wouldn't go to waste.
Wesley, a snack cake enthusiast, won't even go near them. He says "it's kind of weird" and " it's dead people food" and he won't touch them. This child has never met a preservative he didn't like and named his favorite cat Fancy Cake after a type of Little Debbie.
Today at lunch he..left..his...dessert...uneaten. Something that has never happened in recorded history. No explanation will change his mind. The kid is cannot be reasoned with and has left an entire box of perfectly good garbage food to their fates (i.e., Connor & the dog).I wash my hands of the situation.
Chris's grandmother passed away Sunday morning and while we're sad she's not here, she was in really bad health and is, I'm sure, much relieved to be done with it all.
The boys got to see her & spend some happy time together at Christmas.
So there was that.
We gave her some Tupperwares full of junk food. She loved her Little Debbies and such and that's not something a nursing home keeps on hand, with their balanced, low salt meals and other elder abusive crap.
Unfortunately she got too ill to enjoy it and never even opened the boxes they were in. After she passed my mother-in-law, Shirley, gave it back to us so it wouldn't go to waste.
Wesley, a snack cake enthusiast, won't even go near them. He says "it's kind of weird" and " it's dead people food" and he won't touch them. This child has never met a preservative he didn't like and named his favorite cat Fancy Cake after a type of Little Debbie.
Today at lunch he..left..his...dessert...uneaten. Something that has never happened in recorded history. No explanation will change his mind. The kid is cannot be reasoned with and has left an entire box of perfectly good garbage food to their fates (i.e., Connor & the dog).I wash my hands of the situation.
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